Parking in the Pain

dadandkids

It’s kind of hard to summarize the journey that got me to the point I am right now. There was so much that went into it, and without going in depth into each decision, each event, each reaction, it’s hard to understand the reality of it.

I used to keep a blog called Everyone Has A Story, and it did a pretty good job of chronicling the end of a long marriage for me. I used my blog as a journal, and my story started right about the time my husband, Chef, began to use meth and ended when I moved away from him and Oklahoma several years later. It was a crazy painful story and not one that I really like to think about these days. But I guess it’s important for me to sum it up. It’s the foundation of my story now. (I’ve pulled Everyone Has A Story down. It served it’s purpose.)

I was married to Chef for about 22 years. Truth be said, I’m still married to him. We’re estranged. But since I have no intention of marrying again, and he’s too caught up in drug use to file on me, we’ll probably stay linked until one of us dies. Chef joined the Bandidos Motorcycle Club about 10 years into our marriage, and we both remained in the lifestyle for approximately 10 years. I have a lot of mixed emotions about the club; but if I’m being honest, Chef tanked his own life, and blaming clubs, or other women, or even drugs, is a cop out. We all have a choice in the things we decide we will or will not do, including Chef.

After 4 years of losing my shit over Chef, I decided one cloudy morning in Tulsa, Oklahoma that I wanted to be as far away from him, and clubs, and sad memories as I could get. I packed up my family, including my dogs, and came back to Texas. I had a good friend who reached out and helped me get into an apartment. I found a job, and I began my long trek to being independent. I’ve never looked back since.

When I wrote Everyone Has A Story, I had a specific story to tell – how meth had destroyed my marriage. After It Ended is something different. It’s a story about how you don’t have to park in the pain. You go through the Valley of the Shadow of Death….you don’t set up camp there.

I’m happy, and I know other people can be too. 🙂

~Bird